Simple Objects

For forever I have made sure that Ive had the following items with me. Chapstix, gum, ponytail holder. These are things that I couldn't go without. I had to have them.
They aided me.
Ponytail to hold my hair back. The gum to get rid of the taste of food and then for after the purging. The chapstix is a whole other story.
I realize that these are items that women have with them everyday. Items that are needed. I, on the other hand, used them for the wrong reasons.
Ive been slowly eliminating them. I carry them in my bag instead of on my wrist and in my pocket. May sound silly to others. Makes perfect sense to me. For I know, I'm not going to want to go dig in my purse for a ponytail when I have the strongest urge to hang my head over a toilet.
I've relied on these simple objects for way to long.
I've gone back to having to brush my teeth immediately after eating. This seems to be helping.
For now.

Control

I'm doing IT again.

It started the day I almost gave up. Completely. I know all the risk. I know that its bad for me. That I'm slowly killing myself. That if I keep it up my teeth will get worse. That my hair will start falling out again. Knowing all that I still do it.

Standing there after and the relief I feel for just that second makes it worth it. I feel better. I feel complete. I feel in control.

I've never admitted it before, but I know its the control that I want. That power. I need it.

I must sound crazy, absolutely crazy. I want to stop. Its not everyday anymore. Taking one day at a time is a must for me.

The hard, cold honest truth is, is that I'm not in control of it at all. In realty it controls me.

Working on Me

July 3rd I weighed myself and started on this whole new life. I bought a gym membership. I threw out lots of bad food in the house. I bought new food.

Since then I have been eating right, working out and drinking lots and I mean lots of water every single day.
At first it was very hard. But as the days have been going by, it was become easier. If you will, a new way to live.

I pay attention to every thing that I put into my mouth. Everything. I have even been eating things that I would have never before even touched. Fish, bananas, fresh figs and more.

I have now noticed that I cant eat like I used to. Pizza, forget about it. Any kind of sodas, no way.

I am proud of myself. (Cant believe I have something positive to say about myself)I'm doing this weight loss thing the right way. Its been a month since I last stuck my finger down my throat. Am I recovered? No, every day is still a battle after I eat.

As of two weeks ago, I quit the gym and I am now working out with my Best Friend. We work out to the Biggest Loser six nights a week. She has lost 25lbs doing just that. I'm extremely proud of her. She has come so far.

So as this journey through my new life continues, I will strive to be the best me possible. I will hold my head up and aim for my goals. I will support my Best Friend through her journey. I will NOT put my finger down my throat. I will NOT give up.

Competition

A friend and I at work are in a compitition against each other. We have 3 months, well less now, to lose weight and then pay the winner a dollar for each pound lost.
Heres the thing. She has lost 6 pounds, I have gained 2.

The point is, is that I have started my throwing up again. I know, I know...not a good thing to do.
I do it and then feel so much better. I'm slowly harming my body....I am aware of this but I still do it.

I hate being FAT and feeling uncomfortalbe with who I am.

Reflection

There is a window in my bathroom, right over the toilet. I can see my reflection in it. There I stand, finger going in my mouth. I look away. Cant stand to see myself. I throw up again and again. I wipe my mouth and clean up. I still don't look at myself. I wash my hands and don't see myself in the mirror.
Why is it that I feel better/relief...but I still can't look at myself?

Owning Up

I told someone at work yesterday that I am bulimic. I felt embarrassed and relief all at the same time.
I'm finally owning up to what I have and knowing its not what I am.

3

Three weeks as of today. I have not thrown up. I'm not exactly happy about this. I look in the mirror and once again hate who I see looking back at me.

Need Job

I need a job. Not just because I need the money, but because of my health also. I have noticed that I have been putting my finger down my throat more. I sit here at home most of the day, eat tons, feel guilty, then throw-up. I was getting some control back. Now I have none.

First

First day of being jobless. I'm bored.

Went to the Doctor today. I have to go back in the morning. Something about my gall bladder. O goody.
My blood was drown and I was asked about my ED. I'm actually doing OK. Some days the monster inside takes over and wins. But more and more, I win.

Found out that my replacement started this morning. Funny, I was told that they were getting rid of my position. Come to find out they where just getting rid of me.

Hiro spent the entire weekend with me. He is an amazing little guy. I love him with my whole being and more.
We played the weekend away.

Still every much hoping that I get the job that I applied for.

So Far, So Good

So far I have worked out at the gym this 2 nights. Tonight will make 3. I'm gonna try and workout every night.
I'm back on my diet that my Doc put me on. Going really well. Last time I threw up was Saturday.
My legs hurt so freaking bad. Whats that saying, no pain no gain.
I have been drinking so much water, its a wonder my organs are not drowned.
Since I've been back on the diet, I actually find myself to be hungry and wanting to eat. Very strange. I haven't felt like that in forever. Also when I eat I don't automatically think, "is this gonna come up easy or not?"
Guess very thing is going good so far. Lets hope I keep it up.

Flushing Money

Instead of sticking my finger down my throat, I'm just gonna flush my money down the toilet.




I'd be way more healthier if I did.

Stuff

I wish it was time to go home.
I got rid of my lunch today. I usually dont do that. I mostly get rid of food after supper.
After I ate, I rushed back here to work. I had to get that food out of my belly. It just had to come out!
I'm always worried that someone will here me. Its not like I'm at home where I have complete privacy.
I dont think I've mentioned it, Stephanie had Rylee Monday morning. What a beautiful baby she is. I'll try to remember to post pictures.
On Tuesday, I knocked my driver side mirror off my car. I hit my mirror on the Sonic menu. I so need to pay attention more.
Now my car looks funny. I have a busted mirror and a big dent in the back. I so WANT a NEW car. Its past time that I got one.
Maybe if I hadnt been fired, I would have a new one by now.
Its just now 3. This afternoon is dragging by. I'm screaming. Inside my head.
The sun came out today. But the rest of the week is supposed to be rainy.
BF is still in the hospital. I wish they would figure out what is causing her head to hurt. I dont see how she maintaned her sanity. I so would have already had a break-down. She is way tougher than I am.
My PaPa has finally became apart of the FB world. I love that my parents can use the computer and the internet.
Guess I better get by to work. Even though I'd rather not.
Time. Please. Speed. By.

Still Awake

Here I am sitting here, WIDE AWAKE. Why? Damn...I sound like an old person. I should be out on a Friday Night, not sitting here at the computer. This is what happens when you push people away. They are all out and here I sit. O well.
I'm gonna join a gym.
It has come to my attention that I have started to wear a black shirt every single day. Not the same one mind you, but a black one neverless. I have a closet full of different colored tops...but it seems that I would rather wear black.
My head is starting to hurt again. Had a migraine yesterday and had to leave work. I've been thinking, maybe I should start taking my mirgaine meds again. I'm not sure though. I'm already a walking zombie from the meds I'm already takin.
I have had "control" all week. Yesterday I tried and tried...but nothing. Why do I feel guilty, not for doing that, for not being able to get anything up. Crap! After thinking that I now want to get up, feed, and then rush to the bathroom. Even though I have never binged before. I'm so not right in the head.
So glad that its Saturday. Now if only it would rain. Then it would be perfect.
I'm thinking about going to some flea markets tomorrow. Who knows. I might just lay in bed all day and read.
Speaking of reading, I'm currently reading "Paint it Black" By Janet Fitch. Awesome book so far. She is the author of White Oleander...never read it though. Havent seen the movie either. Dont matter, cause I'd rather read it then watch it.
I'm freakin freezing. I have no idea why Husband thinks he has to keep it so freakin cold in here.
I'm going to bed. Gonna snuggle down under my heating blanket and read myself to sleep.

Control

This is a photo of what my toilet looks like. Its important that note is there.

Its that Time Again

Don't get up! 10 minutes. Type Type Type

I messed up Sunday and Monday...but tonight I'm gonna keep it down. Breath.

My stomach feels so full. I NEED to.

1 minute down. This is gonna kill me...wait no it wont...the monster will!

Deep breath...in and out in and out in and out

2 minutes

Change of subject. DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT! Stop IT!

3 minutes.

Ummm, weather was nice today. rather it had rained. Heck I always want the rain.

4 minutes

An old friend from school found me on FB. That was cool.

I'm freaking burning up!! Do not get up!
I cant believe I have to do this.

5 minutes

I wonder if Doc knows how hard this is?! I'm gonna be sick. My belly hurts, I'm burning up and shaking.

6 minutes....come on come on . in and out in and out type type type type type type type type type

7 minutes....almost there breath

when I have to do this...this is when I realize that I really do have a problem

8 minutes

I don't ever think about it until...well right before I eat sometimes but always after I'm done eating.

9 minutes

Sometimes before I eat I think how hard is it gonna be to get this up?

Done. Digested. Damn it.

10 Minutes

I can do this. I will sit here and type and type and type. I have to. Don't think about it. My freakin hands are shaking. Who is in control Karen? Who? Breath.

Change subject. I'm so ready for the weekend to be here. I love Saturdays. This Saturday I'm going down to my Mama's for my nephews birthday. He is turning 2. Man, he is growing up so fast.

Type. Do not get up. Don't! Who is in control Karen? Breath.

Type type type type type type type type

3 more minutes. type type type

Breath.

I should not have ate all that lunch. My stomach hurts. One more minute and then it will be late to throw it up. Type type deep breath. type

Times up! I made it.

I'm guessin my Doc was right.

Mod Pogue

Well, needless to say, I didn't do so good last night after supper. I'll try again tonight.

I did not want to leave my warm bed this morning! I love my bed.

I wish I could stay home and Mod Pogue all day.

Keep Typing

So, I'm supposed to journal after I get through eating. I have decide to blog.
You see, if I blog for ten minutes after I eat, then there is no point in going to throw up. (Lets see how long this works)
Its killing me to sit here and not get up and rush to the bathroom.
Keep typing, keep typing, keep typing!
Its only been two minutes!
Am I insane? I mean COME ON! I feel like I HAVE to go throw up and its hard to just sit here.
O goody! BF just called. I'm talking to her right now.
Six minutes down. Breath! Keep talking and typing.
Seven minutes!
Eight minutes!
Nine minutes!
Omg! I CAN do this.
Keep typing, keep typing, keep typing, keep typing, keep typing, keep typing.
10 minutes! Thank goddess. My food is digested.
I did it.

Enraged

I have sitting here and clicking on "Next Blog" and reading random blogs. And I'm shocked and pissed off at this one I saw :http://bulimiablogger.blogspot.com/2008/11/bulimia-tips.html

It makes me sick! Why the heck would someone post tips? I mean COME ON!! I'm really upset over this.

Don't write tips! Do not tell people how to do this horrible thing that we do to ourselves. You should be ashamed. Do you want other people to go through this. I know I don't. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

I want my control back. I want to be able to eat and not immediately think, "OMG I have to get rid of this now" It controls my life and I want that control back.

But posting tips and giving people ideas is absurd. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Just because "ITS" destroying your life doesn't mean you need to aid in helping "IT" destroy another life.

Green

A little over an hour left, then I get to go HOME! All I had to do today was scan. Scanning papers all day....no fun.

Today I spent most of the time here on Blogspot. There are really some interesting and creative people in the world. Reading some of the blogs...makes me want to go out and create stuff (scary)and travel the world (would need someone to go with me....bad at directions and would get lost).

The fist thing I was asked this morning was, "where is your green." Guess he thought he was going to pinch me...but I do have my green on. Little four leaf clovers on my socks. I didn't feel the need to wear a green shirt...also I don't even own a green shirt.

Tried to get on FB today...and no such luck. My BF couldn't get on hers either. I guess maybe now I can stand around and talk about people (like the person who blocked my FB) cause now I have more extra time. Hmmmm...who should I talk about first........

Something I just saw that makes me mad.....A guy who works here, just walked by carrying the trash from the break room. I asked him why he was doing that and he just shrugged his shoulders. Ummm...Don't they have someone that comes by Tuesday nights and cleans.....yes.

I hope that agency finds me a new job. (If anyone from work happens to come across this...o well. For you see, I NEED a BETTER paying job.) I secretly wish that the next job I have does not mean me answering phones.

For some reason, today I thought it was a good idea to "get rid of" my lunch. I have no idea why. When I was driving back to work the thought hit me..."I need to throw up." I have been doing well and now look what I've gone and done today. WHY! I'm one messed up person.

(By the way: For anyone who reads my blogs...I know what I'm doing to myself is bad. Please don't leave comments saying that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. And don't suggest that I see someone, cause I already see my Doctor and a Counselor.)