Rambling On

I went to the community college today to find out what I need for financial aid, grants and enrollment. Going to do that took me completely out of my comfort zone.  I could hardly speak to ask the questions I needed to ask.  How the hell am I supposed to go to school when I cant even talk?
I've been out of the public loop for way to long. Its like I've forgotten how to speak to people.
I spend my days talking to a two year old.


Went with my Husband to have lunch with him and his friends last Saturday.  I had a hard time there too. I felt like an outsider. And when I did speak it felt like the entire room went silent.  I would fumble my words because I felt like I had to think about every single word that came out of my mouth. 


Being a stay at home mom for three years has really taken its toll. I actually haven't realized it before now.  I love being home with my daughter everyday.  I have been blessed to watch her grow and change everyday. I haven't missed out on anything.  That's special.


I need to work though. I need to be able to provide for her. I think going to school and getting a career will be a great thing. (If I don't chicken out) I have to make little goals and accomplish them and then move on to the next.  Calling and going to the school is one goal accomplished. Now to fill out the form and turn it in.


Why are such simple tasks so hard for me? It cant just be panic disorder and social phobia. Or is it that simple?


I want to be better, but I don't think getting back on meds is the answer. I think its something inside of me. To be honest, I'm not even close to start that journey for finding the answers. I have enough to sort out already.


I hope I'm making the right decisions to go forward with this school adventure.  I hope I don't fail. Or waste my time. I don't want to let myself down. I want to proud of me.  I just want to be proud of me.