Bring on the New Year

I'm extremely ready for the new year to begin. These last couple of months have been hard and now harder with a certain day approaching.(I miss you)
This coming year is more than just a new year. It will be the beginning of my new life. I will be single for the first time of my adult life. There are times that I miss him and wish that He didn't file for the divorce. I will be getting a new job.
I will be living in a new place. Which will be a good thing. I don't want to live in the same place that we shared together, that we bought together.
I have high hopes that this coming year will be great. That I will end the year stronger and wiser. That I will not have any regrets.

Happenings in December

1. Getting a divorce.
2. Had to find a place to live.
3. Got a new dog
4. Dog died
5. Was told I could move into apartment
6. Let renters move into the trailer
7. Got fired
8. Got new dog
9. Was told I couldn't move into apartment
10. Living in my bedroom with all my stuff boxed up
11. Waiting for the new year.
12. Looking for a new job
13. Looking for a place to live

Waiting on Kenzleigh

Ive been sitting here at Saline Hospital since 8am this morning. Jess and Calvin had to be here at 2am.
Miss Kenzleigh is taken her sweet time arriving.
Today has not been boring in the least. With Papaw telling stories and meeting with the other families that are waiting for babies.
Its a like a family reunion up here.


Miss Kenzleigh, I'm ready to meet you.

Ring Suprise

For the last couple of days I have felt FAT, gross and ugly. Not looking in a mirror was been my main focus. I cant tell that I have lost any weight, even though I have.

For months now I have been trying to get my wedding rings back on. I haven't been able to wear them for about two years.
So, a couple of times a mouth I would try to slip them on. I could never get them on. It would make me very unhappy, but for some reason I kept doing it.

Tonight I thought I would continue with my own personal torture. I got my rings out of the little black box. I took a deep breath and slipped them on. GASP! They slide right on down. THEY FIT!!

I look down at my hand now, and there it is the band that my husband placed on my finger. Its wonderful having it back on, where it belongs.

Working on Me

July 3rd I weighed myself and started on this whole new life. I bought a gym membership. I threw out lots of bad food in the house. I bought new food.

Since then I have been eating right, working out and drinking lots and I mean lots of water every single day.
At first it was very hard. But as the days have been going by, it was become easier. If you will, a new way to live.

I pay attention to every thing that I put into my mouth. Everything. I have even been eating things that I would have never before even touched. Fish, bananas, fresh figs and more.

I have now noticed that I cant eat like I used to. Pizza, forget about it. Any kind of sodas, no way.

I am proud of myself. (Cant believe I have something positive to say about myself)I'm doing this weight loss thing the right way. Its been a month since I last stuck my finger down my throat. Am I recovered? No, every day is still a battle after I eat.

As of two weeks ago, I quit the gym and I am now working out with my Best Friend. We work out to the Biggest Loser six nights a week. She has lost 25lbs doing just that. I'm extremely proud of her. She has come so far.

So as this journey through my new life continues, I will strive to be the best me possible. I will hold my head up and aim for my goals. I will support my Best Friend through her journey. I will NOT put my finger down my throat. I will NOT give up.

Zoloft Withdrawal

I ran out of Zoloft on Friday. Me being me, I thought I would be fine and make it till Monday so I could get my pills.

Wrong.

Friday I felt fine.

Saturday I was having the yard sale. Felt kinda funny but thought maybe it was the weather. It didn't cross my mind that it could have been not having my meds.

Sunday. Sick. I was having panic attacks. Feeling sick. Was hot and then cold. Could not get comfortable. Paced most of the day. Figured, OK, I definitely need my meds. Called to see if I could get any some where. No. Called people I knew. No. Finally called Lisamom and asked if she could give me something to calm down. She said yes. Sent Josh to get it.

This Morning. Felt OK when I woke up. A little shaky. Took a shower, started to have a panic attach. Had to shower with the shower curtain open. Was going to call in but thought no, the girls will need me there. Wont be fair to them.

On the way to work, had a panic attack. To late to call in so continued on to work.

I was shaky, sick to my stomach and realized that I wasn't going to make it through out the day if I didn't get my meds in me.
I asked the RN if I could leave to pick up my meds. She said sure.
I drove all the way to the pharmacy and they had to fax the Doctor. I was out of refills.
Got upset over that, and of course had another attach.
Made it back to work. Got back on the unit and then all hell broke loose. I have four panic attack.
Explained myself to the RN. I opened my big mouth and she found out that I had taken some meds from my Stepmom. She asked me if I had a prescription for them I said no.
She then told me that I would have to be drug tested. And if anything was found then she would have to terminate me.

Don't know what a panic attach is look here: http://www.medicinenet.com/panic_disorder/article.htm




I freaked out and called the Doctor....don't have to worry. I DO have a prescription for it.
I was sill made to take the drug test.

RN said that I should not be having panic attacks since it takes a week for the meds to get out of my system.

Wrong! A person can have withdrawal symptom's up to eight hours of missing a dose.

Zoloft withdrawal symptoms can occur at any dosage. Zoloft withdrawal symptoms can begin within eight hours of a missed dose and can last from one to eight weeks. The particularly nasty Effexor withdrawal symptoms can easily last beyond eight weeks.
http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com/depression/zoloft_withdrawal.htm

Withdrawal Symptoms:
*Anxiety
*Dizziness
*Fatigue
*Vomiting
*Restlessness
Muscle and joint pain
*Jolting electric "zaps”
Tingling sensations
*Fever
Abdominal discomfort
Flu symptoms and general malaise
*Sleep disturbance and insomnia
Nightmares
Vivid dreams
Anorexia, agitation
*Irritability
Aggression
Confusion
*Memory and concentration difficulties
Lethargy
Tremors
*Headache
*Insomnia
Nausea
Visual hallucinations
*Diarrhea
*Blurred vision
Vertigo
Gait disturbances
*Sweating
Weakness
Myalgia
*Chills and hot flashes
*Crying spells
Suicidal thoughts

Ive put a star by the symptoms that I have had or still have.

Seems to me, this RN doesn't have a clue what she is talking about.

Plus its my body. I know when something doesn't feel right. I think it was uncalled for to be drug tested. But since I had nothing to hide, I agreed to take it.

I now have my meds. Still panicky, still have most of the symptoms... but I feel calmer. I think the reason for that is, I'm at home, safe, away from people looking at me like I'm crazy.

Competition

A friend and I at work are in a compitition against each other. We have 3 months, well less now, to lose weight and then pay the winner a dollar for each pound lost.
Heres the thing. She has lost 6 pounds, I have gained 2.

The point is, is that I have started my throwing up again. I know, I know...not a good thing to do.
I do it and then feel so much better. I'm slowly harming my body....I am aware of this but I still do it.

I hate being FAT and feeling uncomfortalbe with who I am.

Missing Her

I saw a picture of you today, it took my breath away. With it came the message, "I miss her..."
I looked at the picture for quite some time. I remember that smile.

I remember Her there. Sitting in that chair with Her white hat on.
I miss Her.
I remember when She would lace Her fingers through mine, while we sat there outside.
I miss Her.
I remember how Her face would light, when she talked of Her family.
I miss Her.
I remember the stories that She would tell, and how calm she would become.
I miss Her.
I remember the songs that She sang, and How I sing them now.
I miss Her.
I remember how She would come up to me, asking for a hug. Wrapping my arms around, I'd hold on tight.
I miss Her.

The Last Song

I stayed up till 3am this morning reading "The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks. I LOVED it. Its been awhile since I have read a good book that made me laugh out loud cry.




I wanted to read the book before I see the movie. Books are always way better than the movie. At least I think so.

Happy Easter

It was a beautiful Easter Day, with sprinkles of rain now and then.

Went to church. I wish I could go to church every Sunday, but with work, not possible.

Went to Mamaw's. We had a cook out on the deck. Funny thing is...everyone who brought a side dish decided it should be tater's. So we had turkey and tons of different kinds of tater's.

Hiro found his first frog. He didn't quite know what to make of it.

Hiro also had is first wheelbarrow ride!


Hope you and yours had a wonderful Easter!

Reflection

There is a window in my bathroom, right over the toilet. I can see my reflection in it. There I stand, finger going in my mouth. I look away. Cant stand to see myself. I throw up again and again. I wipe my mouth and clean up. I still don't look at myself. I wash my hands and don't see myself in the mirror.
Why is it that I feel better/relief...but I still can't look at myself?

There's Something in the Water

Two people have become pregnant on the unit I work on. One just happens to be my cousin. It seems that every where I look someone is pregnant....must be nice.
Yes, I'm to the point once again where I want to be a mother.
Husband...well, He's not so sure. That's a man for you.
I'm one day late. I know. I know. That does not mean a thing, but I cant help but think, what if.
If it comes that I'm not this month...someone better give me some of that water I keep hearing so much about.

Alice in Wonderland

Yesterday I went to the IMAX and saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D. It was awesome...I loved it! I went with Brenna, Sherrie and Lori.