Facebook Pain

Is every woman that I'm friends with on Facebook pregnant?


Another one of my friends on FB has posted that she is expecting.  When I read the post,  I become instantly mad. Not mad at her. I'm just mad.


I see post about how many weeks these women have left, how their appointments went, felt the baby move, etc.
And it hurts. I feel an ache that washes over me. An ache that I can't even begin to describe.
These women have every right to post about their pregnancies. This is an extremely happy and blessed time for them. Who am I to ruin their happiness? To make them worry about what they post on FB because it might upset me. Like I said, I'm not mad at them. I'm happy for them. I'm also jealous.


I want to post pictures of ultra sound photos. I want to complain about back pain. I want to be able to tell everyone that I felt my Baby kick for the first time, and all the kicks after that. What I want most, more than anything....I want my Baby back.

Simple Objects

For forever I have made sure that Ive had the following items with me. Chapstix, gum, ponytail holder. These are things that I couldn't go without. I had to have them.
They aided me.
Ponytail to hold my hair back. The gum to get rid of the taste of food and then for after the purging. The chapstix is a whole other story.
I realize that these are items that women have with them everyday. Items that are needed. I, on the other hand, used them for the wrong reasons.
Ive been slowly eliminating them. I carry them in my bag instead of on my wrist and in my pocket. May sound silly to others. Makes perfect sense to me. For I know, I'm not going to want to go dig in my purse for a ponytail when I have the strongest urge to hang my head over a toilet.
I've relied on these simple objects for way to long.
I've gone back to having to brush my teeth immediately after eating. This seems to be helping.
For now.

Mama Said

My Mama said to me that someone would come into my life when I wasnt looking. Well, I defentely was'nt looking.
I had made my mind up about him before we even meet. The plan was to just go to dinner and maybe make a new friend. I'm happy that for once in my life things did'nt go as planned.
I kept looking for reasons for us not to work. The more I looked the less I found. I've stopped looking for reasons to push him away. Instead I'm pulling him towards me.
I had made up my mind that I did'nt want children. Life is funny, he has four great kids.
I am completley happy.

Control

I'm doing IT again.

It started the day I almost gave up. Completely. I know all the risk. I know that its bad for me. That I'm slowly killing myself. That if I keep it up my teeth will get worse. That my hair will start falling out again. Knowing all that I still do it.

Standing there after and the relief I feel for just that second makes it worth it. I feel better. I feel complete. I feel in control.

I've never admitted it before, but I know its the control that I want. That power. I need it.

I must sound crazy, absolutely crazy. I want to stop. Its not everyday anymore. Taking one day at a time is a must for me.

The hard, cold honest truth is, is that I'm not in control of it at all. In realty it controls me.