Rambling On

I went to the community college today to find out what I need for financial aid, grants and enrollment. Going to do that took me completely out of my comfort zone.  I could hardly speak to ask the questions I needed to ask.  How the hell am I supposed to go to school when I cant even talk?
I've been out of the public loop for way to long. Its like I've forgotten how to speak to people.
I spend my days talking to a two year old.


Went with my Husband to have lunch with him and his friends last Saturday.  I had a hard time there too. I felt like an outsider. And when I did speak it felt like the entire room went silent.  I would fumble my words because I felt like I had to think about every single word that came out of my mouth. 


Being a stay at home mom for three years has really taken its toll. I actually haven't realized it before now.  I love being home with my daughter everyday.  I have been blessed to watch her grow and change everyday. I haven't missed out on anything.  That's special.


I need to work though. I need to be able to provide for her. I think going to school and getting a career will be a great thing. (If I don't chicken out) I have to make little goals and accomplish them and then move on to the next.  Calling and going to the school is one goal accomplished. Now to fill out the form and turn it in.


Why are such simple tasks so hard for me? It cant just be panic disorder and social phobia. Or is it that simple?


I want to be better, but I don't think getting back on meds is the answer. I think its something inside of me. To be honest, I'm not even close to start that journey for finding the answers. I have enough to sort out already.


I hope I'm making the right decisions to go forward with this school adventure.  I hope I don't fail. Or waste my time. I don't want to let myself down. I want to proud of me.  I just want to be proud of me.

Facebook Pain

Is every woman that I'm friends with on Facebook pregnant?


Another one of my friends on FB has posted that she is expecting.  When I read the post,  I become instantly mad. Not mad at her. I'm just mad.


I see post about how many weeks these women have left, how their appointments went, felt the baby move, etc.
And it hurts. I feel an ache that washes over me. An ache that I can't even begin to describe.
These women have every right to post about their pregnancies. This is an extremely happy and blessed time for them. Who am I to ruin their happiness? To make them worry about what they post on FB because it might upset me. Like I said, I'm not mad at them. I'm happy for them. I'm also jealous.


I want to post pictures of ultra sound photos. I want to complain about back pain. I want to be able to tell everyone that I felt my Baby kick for the first time, and all the kicks after that. What I want most, more than anything....I want my Baby back.

Simple Objects

For forever I have made sure that Ive had the following items with me. Chapstix, gum, ponytail holder. These are things that I couldn't go without. I had to have them.
They aided me.
Ponytail to hold my hair back. The gum to get rid of the taste of food and then for after the purging. The chapstix is a whole other story.
I realize that these are items that women have with them everyday. Items that are needed. I, on the other hand, used them for the wrong reasons.
Ive been slowly eliminating them. I carry them in my bag instead of on my wrist and in my pocket. May sound silly to others. Makes perfect sense to me. For I know, I'm not going to want to go dig in my purse for a ponytail when I have the strongest urge to hang my head over a toilet.
I've relied on these simple objects for way to long.
I've gone back to having to brush my teeth immediately after eating. This seems to be helping.
For now.

Mama Said

My Mama said to me that someone would come into my life when I wasnt looking. Well, I defentely was'nt looking.
I had made my mind up about him before we even meet. The plan was to just go to dinner and maybe make a new friend. I'm happy that for once in my life things did'nt go as planned.
I kept looking for reasons for us not to work. The more I looked the less I found. I've stopped looking for reasons to push him away. Instead I'm pulling him towards me.
I had made up my mind that I did'nt want children. Life is funny, he has four great kids.
I am completley happy.

Control

I'm doing IT again.

It started the day I almost gave up. Completely. I know all the risk. I know that its bad for me. That I'm slowly killing myself. That if I keep it up my teeth will get worse. That my hair will start falling out again. Knowing all that I still do it.

Standing there after and the relief I feel for just that second makes it worth it. I feel better. I feel complete. I feel in control.

I've never admitted it before, but I know its the control that I want. That power. I need it.

I must sound crazy, absolutely crazy. I want to stop. Its not everyday anymore. Taking one day at a time is a must for me.

The hard, cold honest truth is, is that I'm not in control of it at all. In realty it controls me.

A Little Bit Stronger

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

-Sara Evans

Letting You Go

I have no idea why I keep hanging on to you.
Its time that I move on and see what could be in front of me.
I'm letting you go.

I'm Sorry

To my family. You have no idea how much you helped me today. For Nathan who didn't have to but did, helped out in an enormous way. Not just with the car but for pulling me back up.

I was ready to say goodbye. To disappear. With their love I was pulled back up. I was helped off the floor and back onto my feet.

I love you all more than you could possible know. I am completely sorry for scaring you. I know that I would have hurt a lot of people who love me. Again, I'm sorry.

Punishment

I thought that this was supposed to feel good
And if you were really mine
I guess it would
I didn’t fall in love
‘Cause it was the right thing to do
I just went ahead and fell for you

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense
This is punishment
I feel like this is judgement day
I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
I don’t believe I’m innocent
This is punishment

Truth is your heart was never mine to take
Now I’m stuck in a feeling
That I’ll never shake
I prayed for it to go
God knows I want it to stay
But here I am loving you either way

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense
This is punishment
I feel like this is judgement day I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
I don’t believe I’m innocent
This is punishment

You’ll never feel all the things I can’t say
And I’ll never know if it’s better this way

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense
This is punishment
I feel like this is judgement day
I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
I don’t believe I’m innocent
This is punishment

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
(This is punishment)

I feel like this is judgement day
I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
(This is punishment)
This is punishment
This is punishment

SheDaisy

Hoping and Wishing

I have been working at the hospital for some time now.
I hate it.
I don't feel like I am a difference. I feel like I'm just there to bring people ice and take there blood pressure.

I belong at the Health Center.
I have called to see if I can get my job back. I believe that I should be given a second chance. My fear is, is that I wont be hired back.

I didn't realize how much I actually enjoyed my job. I miss the people I worked with. And most importantly I miss helping the ladies that live there.
They became a part of my life.

I had found my place. Then I went and let it be taken from me. Now, I'm fighting for it.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying an extra prayer. Doing a little hoping and wishing also. I will call back tomorrow.

Losing It

41 pounds and 49 inches down.

I look in the mirror and I don't see the weight gone. Maybe when I reach my goal I will. But there is good chance that I will always look in the mirror and see myself at my heaviest.

All of my pants are hanging off of me. I don't want to spend the money on any new ones until I can't put it off any longer.

I'm proud of myself for making it this far.

So Far So Good

Lots of good things have been happening here recently.

First off, I got a job at the hospital. Really happy about that. I'll be doing more than just changing and bathing people. Ill get to draw blood, which I'm totally excited about.

Second, Roommate and I got the house that we really wanted to rent. We move in on the 11th. Its in Benton. Three bedrooms and two baths. It has a huge deck on the back. Good for putting a lawn chair on and doing some reading.
Third, I have finally decided that I AM going back to school. Jessica and I WILL start in August. Going back to school is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Instead of just wanting, I'm actually going to DO.

When loved ones told me, "this is your year", well I'm really starting to believe it.

Bring on the New Year

I'm extremely ready for the new year to begin. These last couple of months have been hard and now harder with a certain day approaching.(I miss you)
This coming year is more than just a new year. It will be the beginning of my new life. I will be single for the first time of my adult life. There are times that I miss him and wish that He didn't file for the divorce. I will be getting a new job.
I will be living in a new place. Which will be a good thing. I don't want to live in the same place that we shared together, that we bought together.
I have high hopes that this coming year will be great. That I will end the year stronger and wiser. That I will not have any regrets.

Happenings in December

1. Getting a divorce.
2. Had to find a place to live.
3. Got a new dog
4. Dog died
5. Was told I could move into apartment
6. Let renters move into the trailer
7. Got fired
8. Got new dog
9. Was told I couldn't move into apartment
10. Living in my bedroom with all my stuff boxed up
11. Waiting for the new year.
12. Looking for a new job
13. Looking for a place to live

Waiting on Kenzleigh

Ive been sitting here at Saline Hospital since 8am this morning. Jess and Calvin had to be here at 2am.
Miss Kenzleigh is taken her sweet time arriving.
Today has not been boring in the least. With Papaw telling stories and meeting with the other families that are waiting for babies.
Its a like a family reunion up here.


Miss Kenzleigh, I'm ready to meet you.

Ring Suprise

For the last couple of days I have felt FAT, gross and ugly. Not looking in a mirror was been my main focus. I cant tell that I have lost any weight, even though I have.

For months now I have been trying to get my wedding rings back on. I haven't been able to wear them for about two years.
So, a couple of times a mouth I would try to slip them on. I could never get them on. It would make me very unhappy, but for some reason I kept doing it.

Tonight I thought I would continue with my own personal torture. I got my rings out of the little black box. I took a deep breath and slipped them on. GASP! They slide right on down. THEY FIT!!

I look down at my hand now, and there it is the band that my husband placed on my finger. Its wonderful having it back on, where it belongs.

Working on Me

July 3rd I weighed myself and started on this whole new life. I bought a gym membership. I threw out lots of bad food in the house. I bought new food.

Since then I have been eating right, working out and drinking lots and I mean lots of water every single day.
At first it was very hard. But as the days have been going by, it was become easier. If you will, a new way to live.

I pay attention to every thing that I put into my mouth. Everything. I have even been eating things that I would have never before even touched. Fish, bananas, fresh figs and more.

I have now noticed that I cant eat like I used to. Pizza, forget about it. Any kind of sodas, no way.

I am proud of myself. (Cant believe I have something positive to say about myself)I'm doing this weight loss thing the right way. Its been a month since I last stuck my finger down my throat. Am I recovered? No, every day is still a battle after I eat.

As of two weeks ago, I quit the gym and I am now working out with my Best Friend. We work out to the Biggest Loser six nights a week. She has lost 25lbs doing just that. I'm extremely proud of her. She has come so far.

So as this journey through my new life continues, I will strive to be the best me possible. I will hold my head up and aim for my goals. I will support my Best Friend through her journey. I will NOT put my finger down my throat. I will NOT give up.

Zoloft Withdrawal

I ran out of Zoloft on Friday. Me being me, I thought I would be fine and make it till Monday so I could get my pills.

Wrong.

Friday I felt fine.

Saturday I was having the yard sale. Felt kinda funny but thought maybe it was the weather. It didn't cross my mind that it could have been not having my meds.

Sunday. Sick. I was having panic attacks. Feeling sick. Was hot and then cold. Could not get comfortable. Paced most of the day. Figured, OK, I definitely need my meds. Called to see if I could get any some where. No. Called people I knew. No. Finally called Lisamom and asked if she could give me something to calm down. She said yes. Sent Josh to get it.

This Morning. Felt OK when I woke up. A little shaky. Took a shower, started to have a panic attach. Had to shower with the shower curtain open. Was going to call in but thought no, the girls will need me there. Wont be fair to them.

On the way to work, had a panic attack. To late to call in so continued on to work.

I was shaky, sick to my stomach and realized that I wasn't going to make it through out the day if I didn't get my meds in me.
I asked the RN if I could leave to pick up my meds. She said sure.
I drove all the way to the pharmacy and they had to fax the Doctor. I was out of refills.
Got upset over that, and of course had another attach.
Made it back to work. Got back on the unit and then all hell broke loose. I have four panic attack.
Explained myself to the RN. I opened my big mouth and she found out that I had taken some meds from my Stepmom. She asked me if I had a prescription for them I said no.
She then told me that I would have to be drug tested. And if anything was found then she would have to terminate me.

Don't know what a panic attach is look here: http://www.medicinenet.com/panic_disorder/article.htm




I freaked out and called the Doctor....don't have to worry. I DO have a prescription for it.
I was sill made to take the drug test.

RN said that I should not be having panic attacks since it takes a week for the meds to get out of my system.

Wrong! A person can have withdrawal symptom's up to eight hours of missing a dose.

Zoloft withdrawal symptoms can occur at any dosage. Zoloft withdrawal symptoms can begin within eight hours of a missed dose and can last from one to eight weeks. The particularly nasty Effexor withdrawal symptoms can easily last beyond eight weeks.
http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com/depression/zoloft_withdrawal.htm

Withdrawal Symptoms:
*Anxiety
*Dizziness
*Fatigue
*Vomiting
*Restlessness
Muscle and joint pain
*Jolting electric "zaps”
Tingling sensations
*Fever
Abdominal discomfort
Flu symptoms and general malaise
*Sleep disturbance and insomnia
Nightmares
Vivid dreams
Anorexia, agitation
*Irritability
Aggression
Confusion
*Memory and concentration difficulties
Lethargy
Tremors
*Headache
*Insomnia
Nausea
Visual hallucinations
*Diarrhea
*Blurred vision
Vertigo
Gait disturbances
*Sweating
Weakness
Myalgia
*Chills and hot flashes
*Crying spells
Suicidal thoughts

Ive put a star by the symptoms that I have had or still have.

Seems to me, this RN doesn't have a clue what she is talking about.

Plus its my body. I know when something doesn't feel right. I think it was uncalled for to be drug tested. But since I had nothing to hide, I agreed to take it.

I now have my meds. Still panicky, still have most of the symptoms... but I feel calmer. I think the reason for that is, I'm at home, safe, away from people looking at me like I'm crazy.

Competition

A friend and I at work are in a compitition against each other. We have 3 months, well less now, to lose weight and then pay the winner a dollar for each pound lost.
Heres the thing. She has lost 6 pounds, I have gained 2.

The point is, is that I have started my throwing up again. I know, I know...not a good thing to do.
I do it and then feel so much better. I'm slowly harming my body....I am aware of this but I still do it.

I hate being FAT and feeling uncomfortalbe with who I am.

Missing Her

I saw a picture of you today, it took my breath away. With it came the message, "I miss her..."
I looked at the picture for quite some time. I remember that smile.

I remember Her there. Sitting in that chair with Her white hat on.
I miss Her.
I remember when She would lace Her fingers through mine, while we sat there outside.
I miss Her.
I remember how Her face would light, when she talked of Her family.
I miss Her.
I remember the stories that She would tell, and how calm she would become.
I miss Her.
I remember the songs that She sang, and How I sing them now.
I miss Her.
I remember how She would come up to me, asking for a hug. Wrapping my arms around, I'd hold on tight.
I miss Her.