Simple Objects

For forever I have made sure that Ive had the following items with me. Chapstix, gum, ponytail holder. These are things that I couldn't go without. I had to have them.
They aided me.
Ponytail to hold my hair back. The gum to get rid of the taste of food and then for after the purging. The chapstix is a whole other story.
I realize that these are items that women have with them everyday. Items that are needed. I, on the other hand, used them for the wrong reasons.
Ive been slowly eliminating them. I carry them in my bag instead of on my wrist and in my pocket. May sound silly to others. Makes perfect sense to me. For I know, I'm not going to want to go dig in my purse for a ponytail when I have the strongest urge to hang my head over a toilet.
I've relied on these simple objects for way to long.
I've gone back to having to brush my teeth immediately after eating. This seems to be helping.
For now.

Mama Said

My Mama said to me that someone would come into my life when I wasnt looking. Well, I defentely was'nt looking.
I had made my mind up about him before we even meet. The plan was to just go to dinner and maybe make a new friend. I'm happy that for once in my life things did'nt go as planned.
I kept looking for reasons for us not to work. The more I looked the less I found. I've stopped looking for reasons to push him away. Instead I'm pulling him towards me.
I had made up my mind that I did'nt want children. Life is funny, he has four great kids.
I am completley happy.

Control

I'm doing IT again.

It started the day I almost gave up. Completely. I know all the risk. I know that its bad for me. That I'm slowly killing myself. That if I keep it up my teeth will get worse. That my hair will start falling out again. Knowing all that I still do it.

Standing there after and the relief I feel for just that second makes it worth it. I feel better. I feel complete. I feel in control.

I've never admitted it before, but I know its the control that I want. That power. I need it.

I must sound crazy, absolutely crazy. I want to stop. Its not everyday anymore. Taking one day at a time is a must for me.

The hard, cold honest truth is, is that I'm not in control of it at all. In realty it controls me.

A Little Bit Stronger

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

-Sara Evans

Letting You Go

I have no idea why I keep hanging on to you.
Its time that I move on and see what could be in front of me.
I'm letting you go.

I'm Sorry

To my family. You have no idea how much you helped me today. For Nathan who didn't have to but did, helped out in an enormous way. Not just with the car but for pulling me back up.

I was ready to say goodbye. To disappear. With their love I was pulled back up. I was helped off the floor and back onto my feet.

I love you all more than you could possible know. I am completely sorry for scaring you. I know that I would have hurt a lot of people who love me. Again, I'm sorry.

Punishment

I thought that this was supposed to feel good
And if you were really mine
I guess it would
I didn’t fall in love
‘Cause it was the right thing to do
I just went ahead and fell for you

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense
This is punishment
I feel like this is judgement day
I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
I don’t believe I’m innocent
This is punishment

Truth is your heart was never mine to take
Now I’m stuck in a feeling
That I’ll never shake
I prayed for it to go
God knows I want it to stay
But here I am loving you either way

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense
This is punishment
I feel like this is judgement day I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
I don’t believe I’m innocent
This is punishment

You’ll never feel all the things I can’t say
And I’ll never know if it’s better this way

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense
This is punishment
I feel like this is judgement day
I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
I don’t believe I’m innocent
This is punishment

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
(This is punishment)

I feel like this is judgement day
I’ll raise my hand, stand up and say
(This is punishment)
This is punishment
This is punishment

SheDaisy

Hoping and Wishing

I have been working at the hospital for some time now.
I hate it.
I don't feel like I am a difference. I feel like I'm just there to bring people ice and take there blood pressure.

I belong at the Health Center.
I have called to see if I can get my job back. I believe that I should be given a second chance. My fear is, is that I wont be hired back.

I didn't realize how much I actually enjoyed my job. I miss the people I worked with. And most importantly I miss helping the ladies that live there.
They became a part of my life.

I had found my place. Then I went and let it be taken from me. Now, I'm fighting for it.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying an extra prayer. Doing a little hoping and wishing also. I will call back tomorrow.

Losing It

41 pounds and 49 inches down.

I look in the mirror and I don't see the weight gone. Maybe when I reach my goal I will. But there is good chance that I will always look in the mirror and see myself at my heaviest.

All of my pants are hanging off of me. I don't want to spend the money on any new ones until I can't put it off any longer.

I'm proud of myself for making it this far.

So Far So Good

Lots of good things have been happening here recently.

First off, I got a job at the hospital. Really happy about that. I'll be doing more than just changing and bathing people. Ill get to draw blood, which I'm totally excited about.

Second, Roommate and I got the house that we really wanted to rent. We move in on the 11th. Its in Benton. Three bedrooms and two baths. It has a huge deck on the back. Good for putting a lawn chair on and doing some reading.
Third, I have finally decided that I AM going back to school. Jessica and I WILL start in August. Going back to school is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Instead of just wanting, I'm actually going to DO.

When loved ones told me, "this is your year", well I'm really starting to believe it.