Reflection

There is a window in my bathroom, right over the toilet. I can see my reflection in it. There I stand, finger going in my mouth. I look away. Cant stand to see myself. I throw up again and again. I wipe my mouth and clean up. I still don't look at myself. I wash my hands and don't see myself in the mirror.
Why is it that I feel better/relief...but I still can't look at myself?