Mama Said

My Mama said to me that someone would come into my life when I wasnt looking. Well, I defentely was'nt looking.
I had made my mind up about him before we even meet. The plan was to just go to dinner and maybe make a new friend. I'm happy that for once in my life things did'nt go as planned.
I kept looking for reasons for us not to work. The more I looked the less I found. I've stopped looking for reasons to push him away. Instead I'm pulling him towards me.
I had made up my mind that I did'nt want children. Life is funny, he has four great kids.
I am completley happy.

Control

I'm doing IT again.

It started the day I almost gave up. Completely. I know all the risk. I know that its bad for me. That I'm slowly killing myself. That if I keep it up my teeth will get worse. That my hair will start falling out again. Knowing all that I still do it.

Standing there after and the relief I feel for just that second makes it worth it. I feel better. I feel complete. I feel in control.

I've never admitted it before, but I know its the control that I want. That power. I need it.

I must sound crazy, absolutely crazy. I want to stop. Its not everyday anymore. Taking one day at a time is a must for me.

The hard, cold honest truth is, is that I'm not in control of it at all. In realty it controls me.