Rambling On

I went to the community college today to find out what I need for financial aid, grants and enrollment. Going to do that took me completely out of my comfort zone.  I could hardly speak to ask the questions I needed to ask.  How the hell am I supposed to go to school when I cant even talk?
I've been out of the public loop for way to long. Its like I've forgotten how to speak to people.
I spend my days talking to a two year old.


Went with my Husband to have lunch with him and his friends last Saturday.  I had a hard time there too. I felt like an outsider. And when I did speak it felt like the entire room went silent.  I would fumble my words because I felt like I had to think about every single word that came out of my mouth. 


Being a stay at home mom for three years has really taken its toll. I actually haven't realized it before now.  I love being home with my daughter everyday.  I have been blessed to watch her grow and change everyday. I haven't missed out on anything.  That's special.


I need to work though. I need to be able to provide for her. I think going to school and getting a career will be a great thing. (If I don't chicken out) I have to make little goals and accomplish them and then move on to the next.  Calling and going to the school is one goal accomplished. Now to fill out the form and turn it in.


Why are such simple tasks so hard for me? It cant just be panic disorder and social phobia. Or is it that simple?


I want to be better, but I don't think getting back on meds is the answer. I think its something inside of me. To be honest, I'm not even close to start that journey for finding the answers. I have enough to sort out already.


I hope I'm making the right decisions to go forward with this school adventure.  I hope I don't fail. Or waste my time. I don't want to let myself down. I want to proud of me.  I just want to be proud of me.

Facebook Pain

Is every woman that I'm friends with on Facebook pregnant?


Another one of my friends on FB has posted that she is expecting.  When I read the post,  I become instantly mad. Not mad at her. I'm just mad.


I see post about how many weeks these women have left, how their appointments went, felt the baby move, etc.
And it hurts. I feel an ache that washes over me. An ache that I can't even begin to describe.
These women have every right to post about their pregnancies. This is an extremely happy and blessed time for them. Who am I to ruin their happiness? To make them worry about what they post on FB because it might upset me. Like I said, I'm not mad at them. I'm happy for them. I'm also jealous.


I want to post pictures of ultra sound photos. I want to complain about back pain. I want to be able to tell everyone that I felt my Baby kick for the first time, and all the kicks after that. What I want most, more than anything....I want my Baby back.

Simple Objects

For forever I have made sure that Ive had the following items with me. Chapstix, gum, ponytail holder. These are things that I couldn't go without. I had to have them.
They aided me.
Ponytail to hold my hair back. The gum to get rid of the taste of food and then for after the purging. The chapstix is a whole other story.
I realize that these are items that women have with them everyday. Items that are needed. I, on the other hand, used them for the wrong reasons.
Ive been slowly eliminating them. I carry them in my bag instead of on my wrist and in my pocket. May sound silly to others. Makes perfect sense to me. For I know, I'm not going to want to go dig in my purse for a ponytail when I have the strongest urge to hang my head over a toilet.
I've relied on these simple objects for way to long.
I've gone back to having to brush my teeth immediately after eating. This seems to be helping.
For now.

Mama Said

My Mama said to me that someone would come into my life when I wasnt looking. Well, I defentely was'nt looking.
I had made my mind up about him before we even meet. The plan was to just go to dinner and maybe make a new friend. I'm happy that for once in my life things did'nt go as planned.
I kept looking for reasons for us not to work. The more I looked the less I found. I've stopped looking for reasons to push him away. Instead I'm pulling him towards me.
I had made up my mind that I did'nt want children. Life is funny, he has four great kids.
I am completley happy.